It's been many, many years since I've posted one of these reflective
messages. I would say maybe six years ago might have been my last
one, and it certainly wasn't under this account. I'd love to read
what I wrote back then but I'm a victim of my own need for anonymity I
suppose. I've been so busy and possibly not feeling as lonely or
failed at love as I once did.
I really just wanted to get some things out in the open.
I've had a great girlfriend since 2005, living with me the majority of
that time. I will call her Paula. She is great in many ways, yet the
relationship has its normal share of ups and downs. It is the
girlfriend before her, I will call her Susan that keeps coming into my
mind late on certain nights.. that prior relationship truly haunts me.
When I was with Susan, I knew I loved her. She lived an hour away
from me and we only saw each other on weekends. There were a number
of issues, including her child from a prevous marriage, her religious
beliefs which were out of sync with mine, the physical distance and
our career choices. In terms of our personalities and physical
relationship, I'm not sure I've ever encountered a better match. We
seemed to compliment each other's personalities, have an endless
supply of physical attraction (downright steamy lust) as well as
mutual respect for each other. But I always had a feeling in my mind
there wasn't a long-term future.
Many times she tried to break up because her religious beliefs were
such that we shouldn't continue having a physical relationship (which
of course is important to me) if we had no plans to marry. I just
didn't see us being married, or maybe I wasn't ready to think about
marriage yet (being divorced only a few years earlier), or maybe it
was the thought of being a step father for someone else's child. As I
said, with the distance, careers we had etc it just didn't seem
realistic.
Many of Susan's break up attempts were followed by her give-in request
for me to come see her (and a subsequent full-blown steam make up
session) that would last a few weeks, then her doubts would come back
in. Our breakup was final when she did it one time too many, I
basically said "ok" and acted indifferent, she cried her eyes out
(very unlike her, not a very emotional girl), while I kept a straight
face and did not let it bother me.... at the time.
After that, Susan ended up getting back together with her ex husband,
father of her son, which always gave me a feeling of "things are where
they should be".... for the boys sake I mean. He needed a father and
I probably would not have been a very good one. A few months after we
broke up I met the current girlfriend (Paula), quickly falling in love
with her, and I've been with her ever since... In a relatively
drama-free relationship, where I am no doubt in love with her and she
with me.
Yet every so often, especially on late nights after Paula goes to
sleep, I look at pictures of Susan and her son. I think back at the
pleasantness of her personality.. just how good it felt to be with
her... and I have a long list of regrets as to how I handled myself. I
sometimes wonder if I could have done something to hold the
relationship together, or if I should have even tried. If I reflect
deeply enough, I come to the conclusion that I did the right thing not
only for myself but for her and her son, and that things just turned
out the way they were meant to.
But it has now been 5 years, and I still think about her and her son.
I once called her about 3 years ago and talked to her, and she told me
she was with the boys father again but they had not yet gotten
remarried... and she said "I still love you" and it absolutely
destroyed me to hear her say that. I really meant it as a friendly
call but my eyes were swelling with tears the rest of the day when I
got off the phone.
Recurringly, I think about the fact that I still love her, and what's
worse, I underestimated how much love I had for her at the time.
So, I just continue on, hoping everything in her life is as good as it
can be, and remembering how much I love my current girlfriend, and how
easy it is to take for granted the person who lives with you every
day. Knowing me I would probably be writing about her (new
girlfriend) in a few years if anything happens with this relationship.
There's just nothing that bothers me more in life than having regrets
about choices I've made or ways I handled lifes situations, so I live
in fear that my regrets are mounting.
Well that's my outpouring for the evening. I just miss Susan... I
don't even think about her every day simply because I don't have time.
But when I do think about her, the thought that she is not mine
anymore really hurts.
